Cloak and Swagger

Have you ever noticed that when you put on a cape you immediately begin to swagger? No wonder it’s the garment of choice for superheroes. Picture Batman without his magnificent black cape. That’s right – now he’s totally neutered. He’s reduced to a muscle bound man in a foolishly sculpted leotard. But add in a cape and he is restored to superhero status. Capes are all about power.

Capes just don’t get trendy nearly often enough. If I wanted to go out a buy myself a cape this very afternoon, where would I go? Neither posh nor humble stores have a cape section. Where could I go to toss a satin cape over my shoulders and admire my reflection in the mirror? Even the Sears catalogue is devoid of capes.

So, where does Batman shop? Is there some secret Capeland Mall that we don’t know about? It seems that the Pope knows where it is – he always wears a modest-length pristine white cape for official duties. It’s probably a mall with separate entrances for superheroes and arch enemies, so they can avoid unnecessary clashes during off duty hours. There are different stores for heroes and anti-heroes, with clever names like The Cloakroom, Frantic Mantle, and Papal Stoles ‘n’ Stuff. Garments for sleuthing in are sold at Capers. Weekend wear features ponchos with a choice of stripes. These also possess the standard secret pocket where you can hide your jeans and sneakers when suddenly called into action. Possibly, in this mall, you can even buy a virtual phone booth, since real ones are scarce. These once popular change rooms have pretty much vanished in the era of cell phones, forcing superheroes into ever more compromising situations for urgent clothing swaps. Fortunately their super powers make these awkward moments fleeting. I’m not sure what the Pope does.

Perhaps the world would be a better place if we all started wearing capes. Don’t think so? The next time you fold up the sheets fresh out of the dryer, drape one over your shoulders. Oh – now you get it! Suddenly you are empowered. Now imagine that it is smooth and satiny and falls in thick red or black folds that drape down to the floor. You are now both sexy and powerful. You can see why even the tweed capes favored by British lords made them strut around with wool induced grandeur. Sherlock Holmes did his best thinking in a cape.

So who still wears capes? Well, there’s Dracula of course. His cape has a red lining that his tailor has discreetly installed to hide telltale stains. It also keeps people from confusing him with Batman, who stays with the classic double-sided black cape, which is not only intimidating, but reversible. Models wear capes - mostly because designers love to create capes but can’t figure out how to convince secretaries and doctors and accountants to buy them. Witches wear capes as a kind of uniform, making them easy to spot. This has the psychological advantage of warning us that we are about to be placed under a spell or fall prey to a potion. This little bit of foreknowledge actually primes us into being more easily influenced - the Wiccan version of advertising. Children wait impatiently every year for Halloween so that they can wear a cape. It doesn’t matter what the costume is, a cape is a mandatory accessory – Chicken Little and Michael Jackson costumes have capes that are just as worthy as the ones worn by Darth Vader and Snow White.

Capes are actually timeless fashion pieces. Darth Vader is still wearing one in a distant future… or is that right now in a distant galaxy? I can never figure that out. In Biblical times they were fond of capes, but referred to them as simply “cloaks”. Everyone had a cloak - the scribes, the shepherds, the rich, the poor. Even the cranky inn keeper had a cloak. They were practical in an era that lacked sewing machines, freeing tailors and housewives from the tyranny of sewing in sleeves. Long before panty hose were invented, these people had conquered the one-size-fits-all concept. A sleeveless item such as a cloak can be worn by anyone tall enough not to trip on its hem. Garments that have sleeves are not capes, nor are they cloaks, or ponchos, or stoles - they are coats! So when you see a cape with sleeves on eBay, do not be fooled.

Secret societies are also very fond of capes, or at least that is what I’m told. Details of their garb is, of course, strictly confidential.

Royalty goes in for the cape in a big way. You can easily pick out the king when you go into a palace – he’s the one with the biggest cape. Just in case you are a completely unobservant dolt, he also wears a crown. His knights wear sturdy capes that are handy to shelter in on freezing nights, or to stuff into bleeding wounds. They can be transformed into a blanket for a picnic, or a set of wings to aid an exit from a speeding horse. They also make a convenient wrap for warming rescued damsels. The sheer versatility of the cape is staggering.

So if you want to find yourself at the extreme end of the empowerment spectrum - good or evil - sew yourself a cape. There is no other piece of clothing that has the robust stamina and dominating atmosphere of a cape. Could Darth Vader have terrified Luke Skywalker while wearing a trench coat? Never! Nothing can be substituted for the noble cape. Whoever heard of a coat and dagger operation? As in all other things, only a cloak will suffice.