Sign Here, Please

I can’t believe it. Ringo no longer signing autographs? After October 20, 2008, Ringo Starr will no longer sign autographs. His stated reason: he simply can’t keep up with all the demand. But… I can’t help but wonder… could it possibly be just the opposite? Maybe as the bags of fan mail have dwindled to a trickle, and girls both teen and middle-aged have finally moved on to other idols, maybe this is just sour grapes. Is there anyone left on the planet without a Ringo Starr autograph? It seems like I can’t open a sock drawer or fish through an old coat pocket without a Ringo autograph surfacing. I’ve used them to write grocery lists on, to start camp fires with, and to line the bird cage with, and still they keep showing up.

I suspect that the truth may no longer be skulking under heaving bags of fan mail. A day-in-the-life of the great man probably goes something like this. Ringo wakes up in his country mansion, and dons his Gucci smoking jacket. He slips past all the dusty Beatles memorabilia frowning out from the walls, passes through his TV room where someone has left A Hard Day’s Night playing in an endless loop on the DVD player. He picks up a pack of smokes from the hallway table so that his wife will think he’s just nipping out for a puff. All the dogs are still sleeping, so he goes down to the mail box at the end of his private laneway, alone. Even though he had the groundskeeper oil the hinges yesterday, they still squeak a little as he slowly pulls the door open, the door with his own face painted on it.

The mail box is empty. He sucks in his breath and quickly looks around to see if anyone has noticed. It’s only six a.m., but you never know if Eric Clapton might be looking out the window of his study. This time of the morning he’s nearly always sitting there, downing his third cup of Earl Grey, and grimly working his way through the mountain of fan mail. It just wouldn’t do for him to notice that this is the third day in a row that Ringo’s mail box has been empty. Clappie would never understand how it is with drummers, and how they tend to fade into obscurity more quickly than show-off guitarists. At least Ringo doesn’t need to worry about stares from the neighbors on the other side. Ozzy is back in California at this time of the year, and the trucks usually just dump his fan mail right into the empty swimming pool anyway.

It’s so much better to pull the plug yourself than to have your plug yanked by lack of interest. Ringo knows that the public wants what they can’t have more than what they can have. All those days of signing slobbered-on cocktail napkins, and plates, and toilet seats, and baby bottles, and questionable underpants are best forgotten. Better to be proactive, pick a date, and just stop autographing. That way, whenever Ringo gets short of cash, he can release a signature or two on eBay, since all his John Lennon memorabilia is pretty much gone now. And the best part? He won’t have to face the mailbox every day, and stupid Clapton and Ozzy will have nothing to sneer about!